


The Words I Never Said

by DillSmith, FridaRules



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Gay Pride, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-15
Updated: 2019-06-15
Packaged: 2020-05-12 05:04:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,410
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19222174
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DillSmith/pseuds/DillSmith, https://archiveofourown.org/users/FridaRules/pseuds/FridaRules
Summary: Dean was a famous rockstar living his dream. Cas was an art teacher ready to go back to the States. Love found them in Paris, a love so deep that they’d never experienced before. But happy endings are hard to reach, and they broke up in Canada a lifetime ago. Today they are presented with the very last chance to say the words they should’ve said years ago. Will they ever stop being idiots?.





	The Words I Never Said

Cas had been teaching Classic Arts at the París Academy of Art for a few years. When his contract came to an end, he decided to go back to the States. After his last lecture, and knowing he wouldn’t be coming back to Paris in the near future, if ever, he decided to have a last coffee in an old café that had become his happy place.

Dean’s band was on a world tour and had a series of concerts in Paris that were sold out the minute the tickets were available online. Dean Winchester was a rockstar and the fame suited him. But after so many months touring, he was overwhelmed by the crowd of fans screaming his name in front of the hotel he was staying in. He needed some fresh air and relax, so he sneaked out through the kitchen delivery door and wandered through Paris until he was in front of a café that transported Dean back to the movies he used to watch with his mother when he was just a child. He entered, seated in a corner near the exit door and ordered a café noisette.

Dean was sipping his coffee sitting with his back to the door and facing a wall mirror. When he saw a guy in a trench coat, tall, dark bed hair and the most serious look he’d seen in years, he had to turn around and have a better look at him.

Cas was looking around for a place to sit, Dean’s sudden movement caught his eye and that’s when the first touch of chemistry shock them both. They had never felt anything like that.

Cas shook himself out of the spell of Dean’s beautiful face and went to sit by the window. Dean, cocky and bold, got up and went to him. He was famous, but the fact that maybe Cas didn’t know him never crossed his mind. It turned out Castiel actually didn’t know the band at all, and that was refreshing. Getting to know each other is exactly what a date should be about.

They were unaware of the fact that the moment they shared their hellos, they were already dating.

Castiel forgot all about going back home. Dean got himself a groupie. They never labeled the relationship but they became inseparable. That was new for the two men, too.

The bond they shared was too strong, and Cas didn’t feel like losing grip of this marvel that was Dean Winchester. He took a sabbatical year and let the passion take over him. For eight months they were one, they shared everything, and everything was perfect… until it wasn’t anymore.

They parted ways, not fully understanding what had gone wrong, what had they missed.

Their paths never crossed again… until now.

Dean has one last chance to make things right, to say the words he should’ve said years before.

\-------------------------------------

 Desperation. Dean was running across New York. Literally. He didn’t have enough time. Once he did, but he was an arrogant little shit and had lost his chance. Back then he could have fixed it, but he was a famous star, too proud and used to get anything he wanted without even having to ask for it… he wasn’t used to fight for it. He made a mistake so big, that he never fully recovered from it.

Now it was almost too late, he could feel his time coming to an end.

Tick tock the time is off, the grim voices in his head mocked him. Just some more blocks, you can do this, he said to himself while running, almost out of breath.

The moment he left the cab, he knew it wasn’t gonna be easy. His lungs burned, his legs hurt, he was losing coordination and his sight was somehow blurred, but the traffic was a nightmare and he’d have never been there on time. His time was short, he wasn’t that young anymore. His youth had vanished in the blink of an eye, and fame had been a bitch. He had paid the price, and he had paid dearly, so this time he’d do it right. Dean ran faster than ever, maybe too fast for his poor sick body.

Not now, not now, please, I just need another hour, he begged to himself the moment he felt his heart losing the fight.

He was almost at the door, he could see its blue paint, bright despite the dark stormy night, and so, so close. Dean reached out his hand to grab the doorknob but his heart decided to just give up. The pain in his chest was too much for Dean to hold himself up. His legs couldn’t support him anymore. He was falling and he’d feel the floor hard against his poor body. He was gonna die there, on the streets, just like a stray dog, alone and cold. He waited for the floor to break his body…

But strong arms prevented him from hitting the floor. Dean was confused but then he smell it… he knew the perfume of that skin, he knew it so well. He opened his eyes, just a tiny little bit and he thought he was dreaming. The eyes that looked back at him were the shade of blue he had dreamt about for so many years. It was Cas, Cas had finally found him.

“C… Ca… Cas, is that you?” Dean muttered with effort.

Castiel didn’t answer, he just got Dean to his place. He looked at Dean as if he had never imagined seeing him again, not after so many years. He stared down at the man in his arms and he could barely recognized him, he had just tried to help an old homeless man that needed a hand.

Dean felt Cas lowering him onto his own bed, he heard his steps as he went to make some tea. Everything was so unexpected that he didn’t know what to do. He wondered if Castiel had found love again after so many years. Maybe he hadn’t. Maybe their bond, their love had been so strong that had set his expectations too high. But again, Dean still remembered what Cas had said when he left, a lifetime ago. His feelings for Dean hadn’t been that intense.

Dean tried to smile when he saw Castiel coming back with a cup of tea for him. Cas was looking at him with pity in his eyes and Dean wanted to tell him he didn’t need to pity him, that he deserved it. The pain of seeing Dean looking like shit, so pale and thin, was evident in Cas’s face. Dean knew he wasn’t even the ghost of the rockstar he used to be back then when they had met and Cas had confessed that he only listened to classical music. Dean closed his eyes and smiled to himself as he remembered that he had felt so alive, his mind and heart blown with the magnetic experience that was talking with Castiel.

Dean saw the question in Castiel’s eyes. Should he call an ambulance? Why was Dean by his door? So many questions in his face and no answer but Dean lying there in Cas’s own bed looking rather peaceful, despite his actual state. Dean closed his eyes once again and he felt himself traveling back to when they were together, a lifetime ago but that felt like just a handful days. They had to have one last chance…

A thunder startled Castiel as the light called his attention to the window, it also woke up Dean, who had dozed off somewhere in between thoughts.

“Cas?” Dean called in a whisper not even loud enough for Castiel to hear, but the movement on the bed made him run to his loved one. “Cas… I’m so sorry,” Dean said as Castiel helped him sit up. “I should’ve never let you go” he finally said.

Dean saw Castiel’s cheeks crossed by tears, jaw clenched in obvious need to say things he couldn’t voice out. Dean felt his heart skip a beat as he felt Cas, his Cas, wrap his arms around him and hold for dear life. Dean felt his soul healing, but then tears dumped his shirt, and Dean’s heart hurt more. He tried to hug him back, but his strength had left him.

Years had gone by but their feelings were just as strong as that first night in Paris. They stayed in each other’s arms for a while, savoring the warmth of their joint bodies, bodies expressing what words could never do.

“You should be in a hospital, Dean…”

“I’m exactly where I should be, where I was always supposed to be” Dean breathed out. The shock in Castiel’s face was evident, Dean had left him speechless. “Cas… I don’t think I have too much time on my hands. I’m sorry… I’m sorry for being such a jerk… it took me a while, back then, and then it was too late… but I never stopped thinking about you… I just thought that you wouldn’t care anymore…” he confessed, leaning his face onto Castiel’s cupping hand.

“There’s nothing to forgive, Dean, I understand… I always did. We did have something unique, it was so strong that made us go crazy… It was hard to try and balance our respective careers and lives… parting our ways was the clever decision. You had that glamorous life, full of parties and men lining up to fuck with you and I.. I was just boring…” Castiel murmured against Dean’s skin.

“Oh, man, you got it so wrong…” Dean declared, the palm of his hand against Castiel’s chest, chasing the familiar heart rhythm and putting some distance between them to have one more chance to look into those blue eyes he loved so much. “It was all my fault… I was an idiot, I had never felt something so strong for anyone. I just... panicked. I had been such a bastard for so long that I truly didn’t believe I deserved you… I was just poison with a nice smell.”

Dean felt Castiel’s heart speed up, he had never liked Dean to speak poorly of himself. “Oh, shut up, you moron!”

“You know it’s true, Cas. You’re the only person that has ever known the real me, the one behind the mask… that ‘different worlds’ shit is a lie we tell ourselves to allow us to carry on.” Dean leaned back on the bed, speaking was easier when he was lying down, “I’ve been following you, you know, you’re amazing, dude. You deserve so much more than me… I’ve never had anything to offer but a pretty face. I’ve always been empty inside… I was worried to hurt you again… just look at me…” Dean tried to make eye contact with Cas but Cas was too deep into his own thoughts to respond, “Look at me, Cas!” he screamed, startling Castiel, “I’m nothing but shit on your bed…” he said, sad.

Cas usually stern face turned even more serious, he let go of Dean’s face and got up to punch the wall.

“I always said you were an idiot but I never truly believed it!” Castiel said with crackling voice, “You left me! You broke me in a thousand pieces, you ass… I was so sure I wasn’t enough!” he recalled, “I remember thinking that I was an idiot for expecting you to love me back because after all, loving you was like loving the stars themselves! You don't expect a sunset to admire you back!” Cas huffed a little mirthless laugh, “I never got over you, you moron.”

“I’ve missed you so much… when you’re as famous as me, nobody contradicts you, they all lick your boots… except for you… you just didn’t care how famous or rich I was. We were equals… I had never opened myself to anyone like that.” Dean excitedly said, his eyes shining, making him look young again.

Castiel didn’t answer, he bit his lower lip and got closer, taking Dean’s fragile and trembling hand to the lips and tenderly kissing it. He lifted Dean’s hand to cup his own face and like that, he said, “Ah, we’re such fools… birds of a feather.” he thought out loud, “I had never ever believed in love, I was certain that love was just a biological need to preserve the species, just chemical reactions, something only worthy in novels or movies… and then you happened.” he smiled down at Dean, “The moment you sat at my table at the café, arrogant and self confident, unreachable for someone like me, I was sure I was dreaming. Spending time with you after you let me into your world so easily made me believe I was crazy.” Castiel’s face had softened with the recall of memories, but got back to scared when he saw Dean’s tired expression. “Look, rest now… you’ll get better… do it for me, please?” he begged, kissing his hand again, and carding his dirty hair for comfort.

“No… no… I can’t… I’m sorry, Cas, but this is the end for me… I can feel it inside me. I wish I had more time but I was so stupid… I wish I hadn’t felt so vulnerable back then… nobody had never understood me the way you did… the intensity of what we had got me scared to death… Gosh, I was an idiot…”

By the look of despair in Castiel’s face, Dean knew that he had just realized it was no joke. Dean was dying. He looked so old, way older than the forty something he actually was. Dean closed his eyes once again, this time to hide from Castiel’s intense stare. He felt Cas’s lips kissing his forehead.

On borrow strength, Dean loosely grabbed Castiel’s neck and guided him to kiss his mouth.

The kiss was so deep, so sweet and so much missed, it was a beacon of true love tainted with tears that tasted like goodbye.

Their eyes were closed.

Castiel felt the exact second it happened.

Dean exhaled his last breath against Castiel’s lips as he kissed him, his last gift for the love of his life. His last second alive.

Castiel didn’t move. He remained with his lips against Dean’s, wanting to die too. There was nothing else for him on Earth.

The storm broke loose and Castiel was alone. Dean’s body lying lifeless on his bed.

**Author's Note:**

> EPILOGUE
> 
> Dean got up sweaty and scared, screaming the name he had never forgotten. The dream felt so real, he feared for a second he was dead and this was his afterlife. 
> 
> He knew Castiel’s address, he had known it for years. he had even created a fake account on Facebook and sent him a Friend request. Dean was officially a stalker. But he had never been brave enough to talk to him online or go and knock on his door. Dean was sure it was pointless, after all that day in Vancouver Castiel had shouted at him to forget everything about him. For ever.
> 
> But the nightmare had given him new determination, he felt strong and confident, and he wouldn’t wait to be sick and dying to talk to Cas.
> 
> So he took a cab and entered Castiel’s building with resolution, the doorman recognized him and let him in without hesitation. 
> 
> Dean knocked on Castiel’s door. fidgeting as he waited.
> 
> Cas opened the door and gasped at the sight of Dean Winchester.
> 
> “Hey, Cas… it’s been a while.”


End file.
